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The Art of Loneliness

The clock sounds unnaturally loud in this quiet room.

I put the radio on for company this morning, but it didn’t work. It works most mornings, but it didn’t work today.

It’s been one of those days. You know them, I’m sure. I’ve drifted around, too restless to settle, too distracted to work, too consumed by everything that’s gone before and everything that will surely come, but paying no attention to the immediate and complete and all-encompassing present, until suddenly, I heard it permeating the various layers of my thoughts and reflections and memories and my me-ness. The clock sounded unnaturally loud.

I’ve lived alone almost my entire adult life. I lived alone for an entire year after my last relationship broke down and flowed away from me like so much liquid escaping a broken cup; while I curled up and licked my wounds and dealt with the anger, dealt with the betrayal. And then Dmitri stormed into the quiet ocean that was my life, and he took it over; he chopped it and changed it, he filled my house with his noise, and his life, and his movements, and his his-ness.Β For months, we were a we, and then he left. I knew that day would come, because he wasn’t here permanently, and we both had to deal with it.

I’ve been afraid to say it, afraid to appear vulnerable in the eyes of a world I sometimes fear doesn’t see me, but I’ve said it. I’ve said it all. I miss Dmitri. I miss the dreams I dared to dream. I’m incredibly lonely, and not even Grimalkin, curled up beside me and lost in his feline dreams, can ease that. Not even my words, usually a source of such comfort, can ease that.

It’s a day for listening to time slipping away. One second at a time.

9 Comments

  • Avatar
    stace8383 15th October 2011 at 2:57 am

    Look to the future, my dearest. I know you miss Dmitri now, but this won’t be forever. You guys are so right together, and you’ll find a way to be together – somewhere, somehow! <3

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    • Avatar
      Awanthi Vardaraj 16th October 2011 at 4:46 pm

      I will try to keep my chin up, and I will try to tell myself that this isn’t forever. Thank you for the vote of cheer. πŸ™‚

      Reply
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    niff0me 15th October 2011 at 5:25 pm

    When the clock gets too loud, and the mood is down, I often find myself in a odd spot. I can almost feel the grains of sand running trough my hourglass, and each second feels like an hour. You just sit there, getting the feeling that you’re wasting your life and that everything is pointless, somehow you manage to make the day go by anyway, without any real recollection of what you said or did BUT! I do find those times constructive, as it always feels that the day after (or hours after, perhaps even minuts) some sort of creative energy fills the body, and you just want to DO something. I think that the times of endless time *grin* is what we do, when we have forgotten ourselfs. Our body’s way of telling us at now is the time for a break, even if your mind tells you that you haven’t got the time. It’s a horrible time to go trough, but on the other end I see everything in a more clear light. I wonder if it’s a leftover from our early human-history, our time to look into the fire and not do anything. It seems to me, that after, the world seems a little less cold, and it is easier to forget that the grains is still running trough the hourglass, because you are busy doing things you like, to make yourself happy again, and the clock goes silent once again *hug*

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    • Avatar
      Awanthi Vardaraj 16th October 2011 at 4:42 pm

      Thank you for your very kind comment, my friend. I loved the imagery you painted so poignantly; our time to look into the fire, you said. It is beautiful, and when you put it like that, it does make complete sense. I think that often other things come to us in the guise of what we think are depression, a sense of loneliness, the sense of utter pointlessness, as it were. I have learned, and sometimes I have to remind myself that I have learned, that things just have to be dealt with so that we may move on. So a low period or a lonely one will just have to be endured so that they can be got rid of, and the busyness always helps rid us of it, and blows away the cobwebs.

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    • Avatar
      Logan 21st October 2011 at 4:22 pm

      At times I go through the same, but what you said is true. If we turn the negativity of Loneliness in positivity, we can do a lot of things.

      Reply
  • Avatar
    Logan 21st October 2011 at 4:25 pm

    I have been there a lot of times and it hurts like hell, but it is life and it goes this way. We lose the one that we Love the most, cause when we lose others, we don’t even consider it. Hope you two will always be together. Pull yourself together, he is all yours, no matter where he is, he is surely thinking about you. πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • Avatar
      Awanthi Vardaraj 21st October 2011 at 7:21 pm

      Thank you for your supportive words. Some days are better than others, and that was a downer of a day. I try to stay logical about it but sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I fail! πŸ™ But I hope I’m getting there. πŸ™‚

      Reply
      • Avatar
        Logan 22nd October 2011 at 9:16 am

        You will surely be there. Trust yourself.

        Reply
  • The Silly Season | Uncertain Crossroads 13th December 2011 at 8:14 pm

    […] when things aren’t always wonderful and when life is filled with trials, such as my enforced separation from Dmitri, or the knowledge that Wizengamot is dying and there’s nothing I can do, no matter how much I […]

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